Dating. What a roller coaster of extreme emotions! At a rough patch in my dating career I found a talk given by M. Gawain Wells titled "Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn't End in Marriage." This talk has given me so much insight, guidance, and peace with dating. If you get anything from this post, I hope you at least read the talk.
When it comes to dating, by no means am I an expert. I have been in some relationships here and there but nothing super serious. I've created awesome friendships and memories by going on dates and establishing relationships. As does everyone, I have also tasted the other end of the spectrum and experienced some heartbreaks and rough times. Dating is part of our mortal experience. Wells explains "It feels good to invest in a relationship. To care. To want to share. To want to give." After all we are commanded to love one another, get married, and start a family right? When I started this journey of dating, I discovered I'm an analytical thinker when it comes to relationships. I'm a very "learn from others mistakes and my own mistakes" kind of person, What I'm trying to say is in every relationship, whether it be friendships or dating, I want each one to be better than the last. So, I seek out ways to make them better. I took this talk and my past dating journals and came up with some nuggets of knowledge I have learned from dating. Like I said before, I'm in no way a dating expert but I just really wanted to share what I have learned in hope it would help others. So here it goes:
Why am I wanting to date this person?
In the talk, Wells explains there are several reasons people want to start relationships. Some of the reasons include; the other person makes you want to become better, you feel obligated to date them, you want to "rescue" them, physical attraction, you have fun with them, they draws you closer to God, you share similar interests, or it is just convenient. I have discovered it is nice to pull back from the situations and ponder about my intentions before I dive right into relationships. It saves me from more trouble down the road or gives me re-assurance I am on the right path.
Sometimes what we want isn't what the Lord knows what we need.
I'll be the first to admit it; when it comes to dating, I really beat myself about small things. There have been several cases where I want to date someone, but it simply doesn't work out. I automatically get critical about everything I do or say with that person. I ask myself questions like what am I doing wrong or do I not have a good enough personality or something??--yada yada yada pretty much Satan working on me.-- I was sitting in church one Sunday and had a huge realizations that NO, in most cases it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes what I want simply isn't what the Lord knows I need in that moment. Wells said "Sometimes, too, people will want so badly for a courtship to work that they can’t hear the Lord’s messages because of their own desires."
Even if it is just a short, not-serious relationship, I have found the importance of have having an eternal perspective.
I like him, and he likes me!!!
I remember the night I had to explain to my dad what a DTR (define the relationship) was and I couldn't stop laughing. So what happens after two people express a mutual fondness for each other? I was talking to my best friend Sallie about this and we decided to give the relationship the most you can. I loved what Wells said:
"The Lord has given us some important guidelines for relationships—and they apply to all relationships, including dating. We’re counseled to treat all people charitably and kindly, to forgive, and to love not only God and others but also ourselves"
I think this means to not play the mind games or be manipulative. Go about the relationship in a way, when it ends the other person doesn't have negative things to say about you, grudges to hold, or other things of that nature. Treat them how you would want to be treated.
I just broke up- what to do now?
Whether breaking-up felt right or unexpected, separating from someone you care about is hard! Over the years I have found how people grieve or mourn over traumatic experiences interesting. For years I tried to skip this process. I would try and block out everything I could to do with that person. I would convince myself I was okay and I was completely over everything in a blink of an eye. I distracted myself with other friends, school, or working. But I found that is the worst thing I could do. Feelings would stay bottled up inside me leading to more pain down the road. After reading this talk I realized how crucial it is to grieve. Wells said:
"You may have to be willing to mourn, to let yourself down into your feelings. Grieving can be a way of accepting the end, of letting the separation come. But you have to realize that those feelings will pass, and that no matter how much it hurts, you’re going to live through it."
Let yourself replay the good and bad times over in your head. Talk to someone about your feelings towards the situation. Feel the emotions, recognize them, and then move on. The trick is, don't let the feelings and emotions take over causing you to think of nothing else.
"The biggest factor in determining the outcome of a relationship is following the inspiration of the Lord." The most important thing I have found is to involve the Lord in every decision of dating. We have our agency, but our Heavenly Father will be there to guide us if we ask for it and are worthy of it. He will validate our choices. Dating should be exciting, fun, and rewarding but also taken seriously. I'm grateful for the living prophets and faithful church leaders who give inspired guidance to help us find our eternal companions! I'm excited to keep on going in my journey to find mine, and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me.
With Love,
Miss Madi Mans
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